DP Chat 9/7/2010

Evening friends, frenemies, and if less than that, why read this if you hate me??

Many of the folks at The Fly tackle Slate.com's Dear Prudence advice columns that go online Thursdays.  I could be wrong, but I don't think any of them tackle DP's Tuesday advice chat sessions.  Okay, most likely because they're 4 pages long and sometimes include people who respond to an earlier question.  The "chat" aspect of it.  Since Thursday's DPs are well-covered, I'm going to try to cover the Tuesday chats, but I make no promises about being consistent about it.

Here's the original chat of 9/7/2010, if you don't care for my reworded versions of the questions:

Q- Nashville
I hang out with a TMI lush who also has the uncanny power to make people confess marriage-ending secrets, which she then tells everyone.  Mine is that I like the kinky stuff and my husband wears panties.  So now everyone in town knows.
Signed, What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

Dear WTHIWWM:  You got drunk and tried to one-up TMI Girl and probably ruined your marriage for it.  Hey, you asked Prudie for advice, not me.  I'm just summing it up.  I think Prudie said to confess to your husband, or something.  Sure, why not?  The results ought to be good pay-per-view.


Q- Help! I Feel Threatened by Anyone with Two X Chromomes!
My man's totally religious and is into church and I'm not and he talks to his church's pastor who has two X chromosomes like me and my man has the same chummy relationship with her as he did with the other guy who used to do the churchin' thing but he has only one X chromosome so then one night I screamed at my man and told him to stop attending church and now he's hinting at divorce.
Signed, What the Hell is Wrong With Me?  ("Hell," get it?  A churchy pun?)
PS - I'm a totally secure person.  No, really.

Dear WTHIWWM (HGIACP):  Uh.... yeah.  I had to tear up my mail-order marriage counseling certificate, so you should find somebody that didn't have to, and you know, talk to that person.  I guess one without two X chromosomes, or something?


Q - I Don't Like My Son's Girlfriend, but He Wants To Propose
I'm a bitter old hag who's tried to pass on my bitter hagginess onto my son, but dammit, he's been dating an optimistic chick, and her optimism and positive outlook on life has rubbed off on him!  Meaning, he's all optimistic and stuff.  I HATE that.  Now he got the chick a bigger engagement ring than his dad got me.  The value of my hand is very important to me!!  My boy is happier with her than I've ever seen him, and I hate that!  So - should I kill my husband for getting me a small engagement ring?  Kill the chick for being optimistic and stuff?  Or kill the boy for failing to be haggy like his parents?
Signed, What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

Dear WTHIWWM:
You're a bitter old hag, that's what.
Well, you ASKED.
By the way, this is my absolute favorite question of the chat!  You can rewrite the words, but you can't make up this stuff!  Unless... well, unless it's a fake letter, in which case it WAS made up.


Q - Leaving Friends Behind ... Or Not
I'm 22 and forging out on my own, blazing trails like the pioneers of old, and filling my wonderful boyfriend with optimism and stuff.  Oh - sorry, not the last part.  Anyway, Mom says my friends aren't good enough for me because they've been in court and/or keep having car accidents, and one of my degrees is called "justice studies," whatever that means, so... they make me look bad?  For some reason I've been using them as character references, too.  I have another degree in IT, but how those two degrees would be combined into one job, I don't know, either.
Oh, now I've figured out the question!  Are my friends no good for me no more like Mom says, so I gotta scrape 'em off like old gum and dead leaves?
Signed, What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

Dear WTHIWWM:
Stop using your friends as references.  I mean, even if they were all cool and stuff.  Use more authoritative types for references.  And like Prudie, I can't help but wonder about the one who keeps having car accidents.  Like, how many are we talking about here?  Are they dinky dent accidents or car-totalling newsmakers?  I guess not the latter if no police reports were filed.  Well, you know what I mean.
Uh... Hell, I dunno.  Don't post stuff on Facebook of you guys partying, or something.  Don't let that one friend drive you anywhere.  Stay in school!  Drink 8 glasses of water a day!  Don't do drugs!  You don't have to floss all your teeth:  just the ones you want to keep!
Oh, and don't dump the friends.


Q - Father in Prison
My boy's girl is 5, and my boy is in and out of prison a lot because of lifelong drug problems.  What should I tell her?

Dear FiP:
Uhh... oh, great, a noncrazy question.  Uh....dammit!  I want to point you to that great children's book, "Why Is Daddy In a Big Cage?" but nobody has written it yet.  Nor the followup, "Why Is Mommy In a Big Cage?"  Hey, chicks can be bad news, too!  Uh... I NEED AN ADULT!  I NEED AN ADULT!  So do you.  Find one of those kinds of adults who actually has experience in this sort of thing.  You know, counselor, social worker, that sort of adult?


Q - Dating While Living With Mom and Dad
I had a job and then lost it and my money, too, and have to live with my parents and this guy has asked me out but I'm ashamed about being jobless and the parents thing.
Signed, What the Hell is Wrong With the Economy?

Dear WTHIWWTE:
Wait, what did you say when he asked you out?  "I'll think about it" or something?  Do people assume that anything other than Yes is a brush off?  I haven't been on a date in close to 25 years, so I dunno.  Oh, not because I'm jobless and live with my parents.  For your information, I have a job!  But still live with my mom.  It's a long story.  But enough about that!  Say yes if you're into this "dating" thing.  We're still in double-digit unemployment, right?  I mean, who ISN'T unemployed these days.


Q - Oh, some chick being all neurotic about being pregnant.  Pass


Q - PFA: "Political Family Awkwardness."  Isn't that clever?
I'm a liberal and my boyfriend's conservative, and his family spends every waking moment making fun of liberals.  Then they kill and eat them in a macabre familial ritual.  Or so my imagination tells me.  My BF and I can discuss politics without killing and eating each other, but I guess they... can't?
Signed, How Do People So Completely Idealogically Opposed Still End Up Together?

Dear HDPSCIOSEUT:
Yeah, what's up with that?  I just don't get it.  I mean, I wouldn't expect a mate to be in lockstep with me all the time, cuz that would be boring (or so I tell people), but being my opposite on the stuff that matters to me?  Brrrrrrr.  Oh, and no, the "PFA" thing isn't clever.  Your original question didn't even end with a question - just "Help!" so I'm ignoring all that, because I would never date somebody who's my political opposite and whose family kills and eats my kind.


Q - a bunch of chatters' responses to previous questions.  Pass


Q - Sloppiness
One of my coworkers has some kind of physical problem that makes him a slob and absent a lot, too.  "They" keep giving me his work, and I clean up his desk, too, because there's food and stuff.  Not that I'm bitter about it!
Signed, Yes, I Am

Dear YIA:
And I would be, too!  And I know this is mean, but I can't help but picture Peter Griffin's coworker, who's... uh... well, he has physical problems, but is still a much better employee than Peter.  If you're not getting any of these Family Guy references, then watch the show and be done with it!  Watch it regularly!  Buy the DVDs!  The Star Wars parodies, too.  None of that "Oh, that show offends me" crap, either!  Man up!  Or Woman up, if that's more accurate.
Wait, can't you say anything to your boss?  About the cleaning up, I mean.  Maybe the workload, too.  Or do you have one of THOSE bosses.  You know what I mean.


Q - The Boy Next Door
I'm now kissing the boy next door that I grew up with and stuff.  Is this wrong?
Signed, I SAID, Is This Wrong?

Dear ISITW:
Uh... not that I know of.


Q - Guilt and Fatherhood
My daughter is super busy and I'm not.  Should I feel guilty about it?

Dear... Not Busy Dad - Isn't that what being retired means?  Not being busy?  Can I trade places with you?  You can keep the daughter - don't need one - but I'll take your retirement for you and not feel the slightest bit guilty.


Q - Shared Vacation Requests
I work for some freaky company that lets people share time off.  A boss is going on medical leave for cancer and wants us to donate our time to her.  I don't like her and don't wanna.  But people are petty here, so it's sure to splash back on me.
Signed, What the Hell is Wrong With This Company?

Dear WTHIWWTC:
I know!  I mean, I've joked with coworkers who ended up so much time off, they had to be ordered to use it or lose it, that I'd be happy to take the extra time for myself, but there are companies that do that for real?
And managers can request it from employees?  Is that even right?  I guess a peer-to-peer mushpot would be OK, but I dunno about management dipping in, too.  But whadda I know.  I've never heard of this anywhere, anyway.  Ok, um... well, Jesus says that anyone can be nice to their friends and loved ones, but it takes a Really Good Guy to be nice to their enemies.  And the leave is for cancer!  Cancer, dammit!  Cancer is mean to people.  So man up and donate some of your time.  Or woman up, if that's more accurate.


Q - If I Only Had a Brain
My boyfriend wants to date other woman, and eventually marry the ones he likes.  Ones, plural.  I like open relationships, too, but he hates it when women even look at other men.
Signed, What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

Dear WTHHISWM:
You don't have a brain, that's what.
Honestly...!

And we're done.