Q. Oy, Praise the Lord:
My girlfriend is beautiful. Other than that, she's irrelevant to my story. I'm also quite the catch because I'm well-educated, Jewish, upper-middle-class and liberal. Every single member of her family, possibly even her, because I don't say otherwise in my letter, is entirely uneducated, Catholic, and hates everyone who isn't entirely uneducated and Catholic. I don't call them on the racist and anti-Semitic stuff that they say because... well, I just don't. Because I'm awesome that way.
So what about when our families meet? I can accurately predict my parents' behavior, that they won't call those guys on the racist stuff, either, because... well, they just won't. I'm accurately predicting that other family members won't be as cool as we are and won't let them get away with the racist/anti-Semitic stuff. I'm accurately predicting a cagematch between the families.
Signed, Sorry That This Is So Much Like a Question From Last Week's Chat
Dear STTISMLAQFLWC,
Yeah, what is the deal with that, anyway? And why aren't you seeing all this for the comedy gold that it is? Make this into a sitcom and you could blow away Modern Family's freshman season. I don't recommend that mockumentary style, though. It's OK to do the 3-camera technique again, TVland. Really, it is!
Anyway, I recommend the title "Oy! Praise the Lord!" but I won't hold you to it. And here's a draft of the theme song, written from your POV, since you're clearly the most intelligent and tolerant out of the whole bunch:
My girlfriend's a beauty!
Her fam-i-ly is poopy!
They howl and scream and throw things at Jeeeeeews!
My family doesn't know what to dooooooo
Oy! Praise the Lord!
We gotta make it work
But what you gonna do
When you're surrounded by jerks?
My folks will let it slide
But Nana'll take 'em for a ride
OH,
What's a well-educated liberal upper-middle-class laid-back Jewish guy who's more agnostic than anything but whose family is proud of their traditions to do?
Woo Woo Woooooo?
Remember that I said this is the first draft. Call me!
Q. My Boyfriend's Mother:
I've been dating a wonderful guy for about a year. He's very close to his parents and visits and vacations and all that stuff with them. Mutual manicures may be involved, but don't quote me on that. We planned a vacation that his parents just happening to be having in parallel. His dad has a mean disease that will put him into a wheelchair, and his mom always has her way. I want to travel with him solo so we can have a lot of sex.
Signed, Not That There's Anything WRONG With That
Dear NTTAWWT,
This is so cool; two great sitcom ideas in a row! But are meddling -- well, they're not really inlaws -- parents-of-your-boyfriend stories played out by now? Like the mockumentary style I mentioned earlier? Tell you what. Come up with some X Meets Y scenarios for pitching it, like "How I Met Your Mother Meets Everybody Loves Raymond." That kind of thing, and we'll talk.
Meanwhile, redo your vacation plans. Your OWN, fool! Not theirs. Or do separate vacations. Oh, wait, it's for the sex in your case. Well, I wouldn't recommend a Disney cruise, then. Everybody else's kids would hear you. Unless that's what you were hoping for?? My God, woman! You're sick!
Q. Unsure How To Respond to "I'm Fat" Comments: I work in luxury retail and am naturally very thin. My clients aren't thin and keep telling me that they're not thin. They also tell me that I'm thin, because I have no long-term memory and keep forgetting this. Well, they must think it. I think? How do I get through the day without killing them all?
Signed, Wanna Look Thin? Hang Out With Fat People!
Dear WLTHOWFP,
Nah, this will not work as a sitcom, but thank you for submitting your idea. That's all you got? Rich neurotics making fat jokes? The setting has promise, but that's not even the B-story so far.
First, hang out with people even thinner than you are, unless we're talking anorexic-level scrawniness by that point. Because... Yikes. My mom has this habit, too. I've caught her going on and on to thin people about how thin they are. "You are so thin! I can't believe how thin you are! You must work out a lot, right? Do you hardly eat anything?" etc...
I took her aside and said, "Mom, tell me what this sounds like: 'You are so fat! I can't believe how fat you are! You must not work out at all, right? Do you eat all day?' etc"
She got the point - THEN - but may have fallen into old habits later.
Anyway, that anecdote may not help. What kind of "luxury retail" are we talking about? Clothes? Furniture? Hand-made soaps and other toiletries? Do you have the kind of soap with tiny, gelatin Mickey Mouse heads in them, or is that only at Basin of Downtown Disney? And who decided that shampoo should be available in bar form, anyway, like soap? They don't work! Gawd, I'm fat.
Since your clients are rich, like Prudie said, just... um, compliment them to throw off their whining. I know, I KNOW! They're insecure rich people, though, and will tip you better, or whatever it is that will get you more money from them, by being all complimentary and gracious and stuff. And eat some pie every now and then!
Q - Reston, VA. Because that should tell you all you need to know
My parents coddle my brother because he has a disease or something and is on disability. Like, CODDLE, know what I mean? Me 'n' the Missus live paycheck-to-paycheck and have a bunch of kids and don't get squat from mom and dad. In fact, they keep hassling me to help out with Disability Bro! He goes out partying and stuff because they do everything for him (q.v., CODDLE).
Signed, I Told You, Reston, VA!!
Dear ITYRV!!
Uh... family meeting? Do people have those anymore? Do you talk to the brother or only your parents? If the former, have you done the "All right! Sounds like you're able to party hearty again! I'm so happy for you, because now it means you're strong enough for a job again! That's awesome, bro!" bit yet? And then don't let him get a word in edgewise. Keep pushing the super-upbeat and enthusiastic "you're partying, so you can take care of yourself!" deal. He'll probably just hang up on you, but whatevs. You had to get off the phone, anyway, to deal with your kids painting on the walls again.
That's all I got. Family meeting, too. Or an anti-Modern Family sitcom! Where nobody is likeable and nothing is funny!
Q. Bad Parenting:
Every week at my daughter's dance class, I watch an abusive parent abuse her abused 2-year-old, but haven't said anything because modern parents turn into total violent psychos if anyone even hints that maybe their parenting style may be a tad off. Thoughts?
Dear... oh, no abbreviations? Okay.
See, this would NOT make a good sitcom, so don't try it. Are you the only one seeing this abuse? Aren't there other moms around or something? Or is it just your two daughters? Or are there more daughters and moms, but all of you just sit there like knobs because of the total violent psycho possibility? I'll go with Prudie here and vote for telling the teachers or receptionist or headmistress or whatever, and Social Services is a bazooka (or my preference, anti-aircraft gun), but hey... bad scene, man. I mean Ma'am.
Q - What, More Parenting Stuff? {{sigh}}
My husband hasn't bonded with our 2-year-old, and this worries both of us.
Signed, Please Don't Call Social Services
Dear PDCSS,
I won't, chill, okay?? One of my brothers-in-law wasn't really Daddy till his girl turned... I dunno, 5 or 6? Before then it was like pulling teeth to get him to spend time with His Own Child. You know that thing where some dads act like babysitters more than a dad? Well, that's what I've heard. Meanwhile, learn to love princesses. I never did, and I'm a chick, but maybe it's not too late for you! Or see if she likes Iron Man or Batman Begins. Get her started on comic books as soon as possible, man! Time's a-wastin'!
Could work as a sitcoooooom....
Oh, and your next child should come out already 5-years-old. It's just a suggestion!
Q- Green Card!
My colleague's friend's neighbor's cleaning lady's mechanic's husband married her to become a citizen, then bailed 10 days after that happened, which took 3 years of marriage to do. He went home and plans to return. My colleague's friend's neighbor's cleaning lady's mechanic's sister wants her to rat him out to the feds. Should she?
Signed, We're Still Talking About a She, Right?
Dear WSTAASR,
There are so many story ideas this week, my head is gonna exploooooooooode! This one can either way: screwball comedy or heartbreaking drama. But I can't decide. So I gotta go with my gut. This is gonna sound totally nuts, though, but hear me out: intense, political drama AND--! zombie apocalypse. You can't say no! It's high-concept gold! Don't walk away from this! Don't-!
Well, he's a citizen now, so... can he be de-citizenized? Four out of five dentists agree, but your colleague's friend's neighbor's... well, the lady should probably talk to one of those law guys that study this kind of thing. They're called, um... something to do with "law"... augh! Well, it'll come to me. Those Law Guys that study the Law and will help her with the Law, but they'll expect money for that! That's an important safety tip.
Q - Online Dating
My mostest bestest friend and I use the same online dating site, and we were matched (rilly!), and his profile said that he's bisexual! He never told me before. So... what do I do?
Signed, Wait, Am I Also A Guy? My Letter Doesn't Say
Dear WAIAAGMLDS,
Yeah, are you or not? Okay, I'll assume you're a chick, because you said something about thinking that he was straight, and you were matched by this site. No, actually, that still doesn't help. I'll just pretend that you're a chick.
Oh. OH OH OH OH! This one's a movie. A total romcom, but so help me, God, if Jennifer Aniston ends up in it, I will leave the business. I will! You could not talk me out of it. She's done her time and needs to let others have a chance. Like Katee Sackhof. Or even Grace Park. We'll go the whole Battlestar Galactica reunion route and pick Jamie Bamber as your mostest bestest friend. If you think he's good-looking in pictures, you should be standing next to him some time, like I have. I'm asexual and still got hot over him!
As for your What To Do question, who cares? Write up a film treatment and call me!
Q - No, just a bunch of chatter follow-ups to previous questions. Pass
Q. His Ex-Wife Lied About Paternity!
And her age!
And dress size!
And the part about being descended from African kings and queens!
I'm married and stuff to this guy who has a li'l autistic boy with his ex.
Or.... DOES HE?? (dun dun DUUUUUUUN)
While I swear that I'm totally OK with this autism thing, I couldn't help but notice his dissimiliarity to Hubby, if you know what I mean. The ex also tricked him into having sex with him, or something like that. Potentially long story short, I talked him into taking a paternity test, and the kid is not his. IS THAT THE BEST NEWS EVER?? I MEAN, EVER??
Uh... Well, what I meant to say is that he doesn't have the autism gene to pass on to our potential kids, but OMG. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOOOW HOW RELIEVED I AM, BUT - WAIT, SHH!! SHH!! HE'S COMING!! SHUT UP!! Naturally he's devastated, but wants to keep being his "dad," but that's something I'll just deal with later uh I mean I feel awful about not feeling awful.
Signed, What Was The Question Again?
Dear WWTQA,
I think it was "What Was The Question Again?", but we'll move on. Uh... I guess you could celebrate this news when he's not around, if you can't hold it in. And then keep practicing being a
By the way, there are other things than autism that folks can carry in their genes. Just sayin'. Why, it just so happens that a recessive gene runs in my family, AND in the family of my sisters' husbands. I say family, singular, because they married brothers. I know! Long story short, I and my late sister and one of my nieces have/had the same medical condition, which is not autism but is inconvenient in its own way. So on that note, have a great marriage, Hon!
Q - More chatter responses to previous questions. Man, use a moderator, already!
Q - I Over-Tipped! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I went out with a bunch of people and didn't see that the tip was included and I added what amounted to a 40% tip total so should I call the restaurant and ask for 20% back?
Signed, Math Is Hard!
Dear MIH!,
No.
How is it that even I, who dines out alone 99% of the time, know that restaurants add the tip for large groups?
Years ago I overtipped a pizza delivery guy and felt stupid, but I lived to order pizza another day. I've got the myocardial-infarction-to-be-sized middle fat to prove it!
...And I'm done. That last one doesn't even make a good joke for a bad standup comic. And the chat started out so well, too.
